How Do You Know You’re DONE?
Today was a good day.
I think I may have only screamed at the kids twice, I got to get a Starbucks, I had a salad for lunch and I got my friend.
You know the “friend”. The one that gently (sarcasm?) reminds you of your fleeting fertility every month.
I never know how to feel anymore when my friend arrives. As I growing older, my PMS has become like a ticking time bomb each passing month. So when I finally do receive my monthly package, I can’t help but feel relief. Then there’s the feeling of “Thank you God” for not knocking me up this month.
And then there is a strange feeling of sadness that I am not in fact “knocked up”.
You see, I have everything I wanted. One boy. One girl. I even got the unmedicated VBAC I fought HARD for. My son is almost 7.5. My daughter, my baby, is going off to kindergarten next year. My house will be empty from 8:30-3:30. Time to myself?! I can go back to work full time. I can do all sorts of things! We have no room for another baby! Where would we even put it? Thanks to the market crashing, we’ll probably be in our two bedroom condo forever.
I just cannot come to grips that I am done.
Every month I tell myself that my husband and I should really DO something about that. Close up the shop.
I just can’t do it. No more positive pregnancy tests, no more growing belly that made me so happy, no more newborn smell or baby diapers.
As much as reality tells me no more, my heart disagrees.