Before having my kids I always pictured myself one of those moms who would NEVER yell. I’d be calm and happy and it would always be rainbows and butterflies. I pictured myself with four children bouncing proudly behind their momma like little ducklings. They’d listen. I’d have a clean home. Being a stay-at-home-mom would be a joy and a breeze. How awesome would it be not going into an office everyday and actually working?! I’d cook delicious dinners every night for my family. I’d go to play dates and mom’s groups and have lots of mom friends.
I sit here practically in tears now as I feel like such a failure. Besides none of the above being even close to true, as day 1 as a mom proved that years ago, I feel like being a mom to a four and six year old are harder than to newborns.
Let’s start with my daughter.
Most of my good friends know that she does not sleep. EVER. About a year or so ago, I gave up fighting with her because I JUST.COULDN’T.DO.IT.ANYMORE. Night after night of screaming, fighting this strong-willed BABY who has some how beaten me at my own game. Most nights she is still wide awake at midnight, 1 A.M., 2 A.M, ready to go as if it is nine in the morning. That’s exhausting too! I can’t remember the last time she slept in her own bed. She refuses.
My day never stops. Around the clock I go.
I love this little girl so much. But she has brought me everyday to tears. She gets her way because it’s easier than fighting over everything. How is this good parenting?!
My son is a good, sweet boy. And please don’t get me wrong, so is my daughter. My poor son is so overshadowed by the drama of his sister, I feel like he never gets any attention that he deserves. Sometimes he wants to sleep in the bed for snuggles too. His sister will not allow this. The fighting and screaming that goes on late at night because of this is awful. I want to cry think about it. They force me to choose between them. It’s awful.
It causes my husband and I to fight on a daily basis. He hates my screaming and yelling. I can’t help it. Does he think I like this? Does he think I like how I feel?
Day in and day out of the same thing, there’s never ever break or way to get away from it to recharge and let it go.
I am exhausted. Utterly exhausted.